my brain hurts.

I am trying to make sense of my emotions. I can’t seem to get things in order. I know that grief especially that of the lost of a loved one takes time. And maybe I want to not feel all these emotions at once, but I also know that I can’t function right now. In appearance I sort of got it together but when I am alone I can’t help but just becoming a basket case.

The one thing that has helped is reading. I have gotten through 4 or 5 books in the last two weeks. Now I sort of stalled out on David Copperfield – Dickens. Sort of loving this book. It has the right amount of humor.

The other thing I bought and feel like a total regression was the latest installments of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight – comic book by Joss Whedon. It was kind of strange being immersed in that genre. Comic books are for fan boys. Boys being the key word.

But it was fun. I took me back to my collection of comic books I had when we lived in Kingsville, I can’t remember the titles but I remember going to the PX on base (Dad was stationed there) and picking out a comic book. I also had a mean collection of Tiger Beat but I will leave that for later.

So, other than reading I am doing research on things I probably shouldn’t be but I think it is a have to know kind of thing. My father’s cancer was caused by his exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam.

Agent Orange is a defoliant herbicide mixture used during the Vietnam War to destroy forests in Vietnam. The United States sprayed 20 million gallons of Agent Orange over forests in Vietnam, and as a result, members of the armed forces were exposed to it. Agent Orange, so-called from the orange color of its storage drums, is a 50:50 mixture of the butyl esters of 2,4-D and 2,4,5-T. It is probable that damage to humans would be due to the highly toxic impurity 2,3,7,8-tetrachlorodibenzo-p-dioxin, often simply called dioxin, present in Agent Orange.

I love America.